Men: We don’t have to be ‘strong’ anymore. Well, at least not in the traditional sense.

There’s been a commonality to my seeking of late and that has been that men have traditionally been considered as an archetype: being strong; dependable; ‘the rock’ of the family, or social situations.

The classical hero figure has been interpreted as a muscle clad man, who will stop at nothing to achieve his goal; he’s almost indestructible, and he can go through experiences almost supernaturally. I’m thinking of movies where the lead male role model gets shot, or dislocates his shoulder, only to strut into the next scene and continue fighting ‘the baddie’.

The externalisation of ‘the goodie/baddie’ scenario is concerning. It leads to labelling our emotions as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ rather than ‘easy’ or ‘difficult’. Good and bad are a subjective perception, and not seeing that leads to us labelling people materially, and finitely, as good or bad, as if they can never change their contribution to the world. He is bad. End of story.

You will always be the bad person to someone, somewhere in the world.

That statement might make you feel some feels. Personally, I find it reassuring. Since I know that someone will always perceive my natural behaviour as bad, i’m free to behave in those ways. I know that other people will inevitably view my natural behaviour as good.

All i’m concerned with is being the best, happiest version of myself.

People will judge, let them judge. Welcome their judgement, it might help you learn more about yourself, and therefore make you more able to be that version of yourself.

What we haven’t pertained from the earlier story is that the hero’s journey was also a journey of hardship, longing, and battling demons. We’ve taken the surface detail and forgotten the substance.

Homer’s Odyssey is the classic example of this, Odysseus is away for many years, and goes through many trials and tribulations to reach his journey’s end, which is to return home to his family from the Trojan war. However throughout the journey he is constantly asked to go through external trials. The point in this story is common to mythic and fairytale storytelling: To uncover aspects of the inner world that troubles him, deal with them, and return to equilibrium so that he can lead a happier, healthier life. In some sense these aspects are archetypal traits common to humanity, and since, common to all our experiences of life.

Odysseus go through storms, and battle sea monsters, he leads a crew of men, they have to resist the temptation of sirens who sing the sweetest, most alluring songs, but are known to be dangerous. He asks the men to tie him to the mast so he can hear the sirens, but not be able to go to them. He seeks to understand these trials, rather than avoid them. He is held enslaved for seven years by Calypso; a sea nymph. In greek mythology nymphs possessed magic properties and had a mischievous sense to their traits. Just before he is enslaved he loses his entire crew of men in a ship wreck, could this, perhaps, be the fact that he is so stricken by grief that he falls into a relationship or codependency with Calypso? Or could she merely be an aspect of his recovery, a guiding hand within himself?

When Odysseus finally returns to his family, he is met with his own suspicion of the ostracisation of himself from his family. His son is now a man, his wife — although faithful, is besieged by suitors.

It’s common to consider these trials necessary in the traditional context of this man, who went off to fight for his country in honour and valour, and whilst these stories do still exist, those concepts have slightly changed for the modern world because of the ease of communication that we now have, it’s not necessary to be ostracised from our support network.

Now the hero’s journey, in my opinion, serves to show us the inner journey we all have to take to become functioning and positive contributors to our environments, and with the inventing of the internet, there’s no excuse why we can’t show up and be communicative in our loved one’s lives, even if our destiny draws us away from their immediate environment.

The problem being that that is a new skillset to try to understand, and that makes many men feel overwhelmed, and incapable.

The problem with the prominent male role models, that come from the rhetoric of our western society, is that we are still idolising the stories of “Going off to fight the good fight, and i’ll see you when I get back.”

When really it’s possible to be constructively challenging those internal and external conflicts with the help and support of your loved ones.

The change between fighting and constructively challenging may seem trivial but it has a huge connotative difference. One is confrontational; competitive, the other is progressive; cooperative.

So how does this work in our day to day lives?

Recently, I caught myself saying to my friend’s two year old son: “You gotta eat your greens so you can grow up big and strong!” Whilst I understand that the things we say to children in our social groups come from the way in which we were parented, which comes from the way our parents were parented, I was deeply concerned with the way I was communicating with him, seeing as he is in such a formative stage of his life, and i’ve struggled so much with the weight of this perception. Therefore i’m noticing and actively reworking this idea.

I decided to face the discomfort that came from my interaction with him, face the discomfort of admitting that I perceived that I was wrong, and rework that scenario. Next time i’ll say something like: “Eating greens is good for your health.”

That takes vulnerability, and being vulnerable takes strength. That is being strong. Facing the ways in which our communications are affecting us and those around us.

I’m not saying that there is not a role for the stable, dependable, strong person in life, i’m just saying that it doesn’t have to be assigned to men, women are very often the givers of strength and courage. It will fluctuate.

There are multiple problems to this rhetoric, and allow me to muse on a few of them:

Men can feel like what they are feeling is ‘unmanly’. When this happens, it precipitates shame, quite unnecessarily. There is no set way to be a man.

Everyone is a mixture of masculine and feminine aspects, so it’s natural to feel things that are feminine. This doesn’t mean that we are ‘unmanly’, it’s completely natural. I personally believe that allowing and accepting your feelings is very courageous.

Idolising men in this position is detriment to the women who have amazing amounts of strength and courage. By saying to men: ‘You have to be the strong one.’ You undermine the strength that women constantly show.

Saying these things repeatedly — along with ‘boys’ don’t cry’ and other phrases, creates a sense of pressure for men. I feel like this invokes an association that feelings of failure is a bad thing, and therefore are less likely to express it, or do something about it — like telling a trusted loved one, or seeking professional help. Failing is how we learn, and the worst thing that can happen is for someone to become stagnant and isolated.

There are many ways that modern society is dealing with this problem, I believe it’s getting better. Yet, we still have a great number of men in western society that take their own life, and I believe that the weight of shame, guilt, and feeling like a failure is a key aspect to that.

Hopefully in the future, we can foster a society that sees and celebrates all aspects of masculinity, and femininity within men, and recognises that a healthy balance is essential to a happy, fulfilled, life. That would be a strength indeed.